Analyse or empathise?

There are some people I never confide in.

When I’ve tried to open up — perhaps tentatively — they’ve taken hold of my words, drifted off into their own interpretations of me, and then spat out an analysis:

“You really should…” “Deep down, you don’t really want to…” “It’s because you’re way too…” “Your behaviour can only mean that…”

Rarely do I feel so alone.

Whoever gives me their analysis of me isn’t present with me. They’re occupied with their thoughts about me. Which is something else entirely.

With some others it is different.

With them I can show up with a tangle of unfinished thoughts, feelings, and judgements. Whatever I say, they stay with me through their presence, entering my words from the perspective of how my world looks.

This — empathy — is one of the most healing and trust-building things I know. This “soulful company”, where someone joins their conversation partner where they are, without steering, without judging, analysing, or drawing conclusions, with the sole purpose of lending their presence, is invaluable support.

It creates a safe space. It makes it easier to look at raw self-criticism, find your way inside, reconcile with yourself, learn, and grow. It transforms pain, judgements, and confusion into healing grief, clarity, and the capacity to act.

It is paradoxical.

Those who reflexively spit out their thoughts, ideas, and conclusions probably also want to contribute to clarity and capacity to act. But instead they miss a chance to give the other an invaluable gift. Trust suffers. The other person may close up.

* * *

So, how do you become a better listener?

Analysis isn’t always bad. Like everything else in a toolbox, it plays an important role for solving certain kinds of problems. But it is almost never trust-building when someone is opening their heart.

Listening with empathy requires other tools than the intellect. You can’t analyse your way to empathy any more than a high-resolution brain scan can say anything about how an experience is experienced.

Empathy is a kind of presence. Some ways can convey that presence when it’s already there — for instance, empathy guesses (“Are you feeling frustrated because you long for more support?”).

But using particular words or speaking in a particular way isn’t the central thing. You need to use your whole being to enter another person’s being.

For those of you who have been unaware of this but want to learn, I think the first step is just to notice what actually happens when someone confides in you.

Try it next time you get the chance. Where does your focus go? Are you with the other person’s reality, can you experience the world from the other’s perspective before your own inside takes your attention? Can you walk in their shoes, with everything they might see, feel, and experience?

Or do you pick out fragments of what they say, take them into your own world of thought, and get stuck in your analysis of them?

What happens to the relationship when you do the one, versus the other?