How your ideas about romantic love can get in the way, part #1

One thing I’ve often run into when talking with people about their dating lives is a kind of belief that a genuine person-to-person meeting just happens by itself.

After a successful date, we might say “the chemistry was right”. If we didn’t experience connection, we might say “we didn’t click”.

But what understanding of the world are we actually expressing when we talk about interpersonal contact in terms of chemistry or clicking?

A pop-sociological discourse analysis can show how these expressions decouple subjects — us — from agency. Instead, a vague, impersonal, or hard-to-grasp force — “chemistry” — is invoked as an explanation for what happens.

Whether or not we experience some kind of attraction becomes, in other words, something beyond our influence, or out of reach to understand. Almost magical.

Maybe we believe it’s fate that decides. If it happens, it happens. Or we adopt a kind of romantic determinism: it happens if it was meant to.

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What are the consequences of seeing a person-to-person meeting like this?

One possible consequence is that we miss the power we actually have — or could have had — to act and create it. The risk is that we go from date to date, small-talking frantically, while leaving the possibility of a genuine meeting up to chance.

Here’s how I like to look at it: small talk has its place. But the art of finding our way to one another doesn’t need to be seen as so mysterious or unexplainable.

In NVC, the word “connection” is used to describe one of several aspects of meeting person to person. Connection is just one piece of the puzzle in any encounter. But a piece that matters a lot.

Connection generally arises if we know how to make it arise. It is a focus that asks us to take responsibility for making sure it happens. It’s a skill we can learn, practise, and develop.

Try believing that for a moment.

You might wonder how to go about it. Even though it might take a course or two to develop a deeper understanding of how to support connection, here is a basic recipe to weave in with the small talk:

Slow down, so you can sense what’s going on inside you and inside the other person. Listen with your whole being for where the other is right now, even if they’re talking about the past. Express yourself honestly, and be ready to listen again. Prioritise the communication process over evaluating the content. And don’t forget to balance gravity with lightness.

Sooner or later you might catch yourself having spoken with another person for a long time, laughed together, but without really knowing very much about them.