Conflicts. Can. Be. Resolved.

It is possible to take two people, or two groups, from experiencing the deepest pain, breach of trust, and overdrawn relational accounts, to genuine reconciliation.

Not on the surface, but for real. Not with tricks, shortcuts, or compromises. Not with middle paths, or by either party giving up on themselves. Not through forced rituals like “shake hands and say sorry”, not by smoothing over what’s been done, not by scaring the parties with consequences if they don’t make up.

But by going through a process where we step by step — and with the care, attention and tact the situation requires — engage with the hardest aspects of what has happened, been said and been done. Where we gently but wholeheartedly support taking responsibility for past actions, without imposing guilt. A process where positions, enemy images and defences transform in favour of mutual perspective-taking, understanding and hope.

Not always, and not under any conditions. And reconciliation doesn’t have to mean that the parties become friends, love each other, or pick up the relationship as it once was. But surprisingly often it is possible to take a relationship through a shift, when the parties have their own willingness to try, for example, mediation.

I have seen it happen again and again. Each time I see it, I’m struck by how deep our collective pessimism about resolving conflict seems to run.

Imagine what would be possible, if only we knew:

it works!