How we resolved a conflict about having different amounts of money

A friend and I had a dilemma. I wanted us to travel, eat out, and do things together that tend to cost. But my friend didn’t have a big income, so she needed to be careful with her money.

I offered to cover some of the expenses when we hung out. But she declined, because mutuality mattered to her.

Even though I understood, I wasn’t satisfied. Were we really not going to spend time together having a good time, even though that was how I most wanted to use precisely that money?

For me, this was about meeting needs for play, wonder, inspiration. I didn’t want to give up on my needs, or on how much I would have enjoyed meeting them with her.

That I had latched on to money in particular as the way to meet these needs was no accident either. Part of me longed for a kind of vindication after years of less-than-optimal finances of my own.

*** * ***

The tug-of-war found its resolution when we looked at our needs and brainstormed strategies to meet them.

After taking in what she really valued — mutuality — I said to my friend:

“I remember all the times I travelled with previous friends, when they contributed money I didn’t have. I remember lunches I was treated to, courses I got to attend cheaper than the regular price, and times I received from others when it was obvious that they had more resources than me.

I’m so incredibly grateful for that, and one way to act on my appreciation is to pass the gift forward.

If you accept — and remember it when you yourself have the power, resources, or capacity to contribute to others — could you then pass the gift forward to them, as a way of honouring mutuality?”

My friend didn’t need long to feel into it and said yes. We agreed to split costs 75:25 instead of 50:50, and that way found greater freedom to do things together, including things that cost money.

We both got what we wanted, but not by one of us steamrolling the other. What happened instead was that we both stood up for each other’s needs, but were flexible with how, exactly, those needs could be met.

Mutuality could then move from being stuck with the strategy “we pay equally” to being met by us taking the bigger picture into account, beyond her and me, beyond there and then.

We learned something, and I hope the world becomes a little better that way too.